That being said, I decided that my so-called “smart phone” wasn’t really smart enough. I can think of hundreds of things it can’t do. This first occurred to me while I waited for my dog to finish his business so I could pick it up with my latex glove and discard it appropriately. “Why am I doing this?” I thought. Maybe my smart phone is smarter that I think because it never even offered to go with me on dog walks. Regardless, I decided to upgrade.
I went back to T-Mobile and told them that my smart phone had a lower IQ than my cousin, and I wanted an upgrade. The clerk looked at me directly and said in a hushed tone “Exactly HOW smart do you want to go?”. I assured him that I needed a phone that would mock Einsteins theory on relativity as parochial and naive.
Perhaps when he starting saying “I should warn you…” I should not have cut him off so abruptly, but I didn’t want him to think I was intimidated. I had no idea that I would eventually tatoo that phrase on my torso with a ball point pen like that guy did in memento.
He brings this little black phone back to the counter. I told him it looked just like my current phone and before I finished my sentence, the phone pipes in..”That phone of yours doesn’t even share my DNA strand so fuck off. “
The clerk quickly turned off the sound and as he looked around to see if anyone heard this outburst, I noticed the phone was now sporting a photo of the one finger salute.
“I guess this one will do fine” I said, “but it is always this hostile?”. The clerk assured me that the phone just “doesn’t suffer fools well.”
At first it was kind of cool to have a phone that would argue with the GPS system often referring to it as “the cold-hearted bitch”. “Fuck her! Turn RIGHT!” it would shout. This would eventually make driving too stressful and I stopped telling either one of them where I was going.
My new smart ass phone (as it came to be known) was able to do some amazing things. It liked to give me advice, some of which I took, some not. I am certainly old enough to pick out my own underwear. But when it came to the stock market, the damn thing ruled. I quickly made a bunch of money but found out too late that my phone did not gamble well. He had too much confidence and every bet he wanted me to make began with “put it ALL on…”
For I while I really liked the feature that not only remembered the birthdays of family and friends, but sent them gifts as well. That is until I got this note from my sister; “Thank you for the EX-720 Super capacitor? Is everything alright?”
The end of the line for me was when it started texting on it’s own and arranged for a prostitute to come over with a pizza on my wedding anniversary.
When I went back to T-Mobile, the phone told the clerk that I was too closed-minded and stupid to own this phone and that I would like to just get some dum assed 3G. I looked at the clerk and mumbled…”What he said.”